An Extra Added Flavor

It's Friday again. A recollection day as usual in the shrine. With some extra added flavor. So many intention to pray for, so many heavy thoughts, so many unanswered questions. So much stress and frustration creeping in my soul.

I do not surrender. I know I must be patient with God and myself, and with people around me. I must pray and do not get tempted to ask God divine questions - when and how He will answer my prayers? These questions I will not ask Him. I have asked them before and got punished. These questions even Jesus Himself did not dare ask His Father.

So I keep faith and pray and endure this time of trial. Fridays are good windows of opportunity to exercise this attitude. And this is precisely what I do always on Fridays, and today is no exception.

But there is this extra added flavor. I woke up feeling sick today. One of the worst days in recent months. went for a sick call to Bibi Monica, attended to people in the office and started the recollection day with Lauds and Rosary, midday prayers and Angelus, now going for the Stations of the Way of the Cross. But today my own body is my worst enemy. Like a heavy cross that grows heavier and heavier with minutes passing by. And now I'm pretty sure malaria is coming thick and fast. Nausea already, can't have anything in my mouth. Depression - which is a standard feature of my malaria periods is encompassing my soul and psyche. I feel sad and lonely and worthless. How I know well this condition. Hopefully this malaria won't be as bad as last August, when I was out of equation for almost a month with depression at its highest and helplessness killing my soul. I was lucky to survive then. I dread the very thought of that horrible experience returning. But who knows?...

It would be most unfortunate to get sick seriously today when I have so many things to do yet, and tomorrow an important meeting of Lay Parish Council and exercise in the afternoon of Baptism Mass which will be on Sunday at 9am with school kids baptized in the Shrine.

I'll go and check blood for malaria right after the Stations of the Way of the Cross. If I manage to finish it with this nausea intensifying with every minute, arrrgh...

Thank you, o Lord, for this cross. This is the only personal gift I can offer to you - something out my body, soul or psyche. Something which is truly me. May this hammer the wall of impossible surrounding Kiabakari for so many months since the beginning of this year, where everything stuck and nothing is going forward in development of this place. Please, accept this gift. And bring down that hateful wall...Amen.