By the end of the adoration I felt sick. I was sick already, on medication for malaria, on hormonal medication I'm on since 2005 after the surgery on my goiter, on medication for liver and ulcers...But this time it was different feeling. I felt dizziness, felt aloof, felt losing conscience, felt strange sensation of resignation, detachment from the chapel ambiance, felt losing my sight or - rather - experienced changing glimpses of darkness and light...Then the bad headache, breathing difficulties, pain in my stomach and liver...
I just prayed to the Lord in the Sacred Host to give me strength to be there on my kneeler in front of the altar till the end...Then while reciting the final prayer just before the imposition of the blessing of the Most Holy Sacrament, I simply couldn't see the text and felt I was actually collapsing. The sisters rushed to catch me on the way and helped me to return to upright position. Waited for a minute or so to regain my composure and strength and was able to finish the adoration with the prayer, blessing and final song.
But throughout all this experience, I felt peace. Shortly before the adoration, during my homily in the evening Mass concluding the seminar proceedings, I asked sisters to be vigilant and focused, to cherish absolute silence and be on alert during the retreat, as the Lord will choose a moment at the time He deems suitable and will pass by every sister, visiting her with a special and unique message, just for each and every one of them...It may only happen once, it may only be for a shortest of moments, He may come under disguise, He may convey His special and unique message in various ways, through situations, voice of the conscience, a dream, a sudden thought, through others and so on, but if we are in total silence, as Elijah on the Mount of Carmel...
who knew the Lord would pass by his cave - not in the noise, thunder, storm, but in a silent, slightest breeze of the evening - and was ready to meet the Lord, same will happen with those who are on alert and will not miss the moment the Lord comes and passes by. This will be the focal point of the individual retreat of every one of us who is on watch, which will change us completely and will constitute the reason for each and every one of us being here for one week in silence and prayer...
Though the reasons for yesterday's experience of sudden weakness can be explained perfectly in medical terms, as it probably simply was, still - in the light of faith - I believe the Lord used this to let me know that has visited me already last night and with His touch of love told me that He was with me and though I was and still am weak in many ways, it is Him who would be the Retreat Master...
"Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him" (Ps 37:5-7)
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