In times like this, when I am sick and in pain, and not because of my mistake or fault, but 'just like that', getting sick of malaria and typhoid, as now, it feels like a special kiss from God. It feels and it conveys a message to me that I am alive and that part of my life is needed for someone or something else. It feels like God telling me He needs me and my life and health is worthy of sharing with others... It is hard to explain precisely this feeling, this message... But I believe that in times like this one now, my life means something, has its broader purpose and serves some worthy causes...
And though this state of mind, soul and body, this sickness comes with depression, with desolation, abandonment, still the leading thought is just that - my health has been taken away from me, because God needs it for someone or something and He trusts me that I will not feel bad about it...
Sometimes I ask myself in pain, when I'm sick and lonely, when I look up to the Cross of Jesus, if I would be willing to take bullet for Him... To trade my life for His life in others? I believe I would but who knows - when the actual situation in which this demand would come up - how I would really decide and act...
Is the life of Christian, the life of a human being marked somehow by the moment of truth, when we get in the line of fire and have to decide whether to take a bullet or duck it? Is the value of life defined by a moment like this? Will the truth of my real worth come up at that precise moment?
Jesus took a bullet for us, though no one asked for it, but He knew it was necessary to restore us to the original dignity and relationship with Living God and reopen for us the destiny that was drawn for us by Loving God... Would I take a bullet for Him or for someone I love and care for?...
I believe that my life would mean something totally different if the baseline for my being as a human and Christian would be this willingness to take a bullet for someone or something I believe and love... To accept this prospect, to incorporate it in my vision of life... to stand by it... The second question would be to identity the person, idea, thing for whom or for which I would be willing to take the bullet...
But if I am unable to accept sickness, crosses and other unpleasant realities in my life, would I be really ready to take a bullet when it comes to me...or to take it for someone else? I'm not convinced...
In times, when I am seriously sick and feel down and left alone, peace suddenly flows into my heart and soul, calms me down and whispers to my inner ear - 'you will be ready to take the bullet...'
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